I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize