please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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