i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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