She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
