my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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