I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
