I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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