dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
