Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
