He had one of those small greek statue penises
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize