you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
