i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
