I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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