Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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