my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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