we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
