I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
