and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
