Can i not drive my cunt home
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
