Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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