I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
