just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
