Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I fill condoms, not promises.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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