It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
