dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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