Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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