dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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