Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
