i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
