I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
