I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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