Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize