this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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