I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
