I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize