did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
