so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
