we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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