Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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