Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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