Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
