OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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