He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
