Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
