How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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