saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to have your abortion
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
