I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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