Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
