Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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