Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
