remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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