I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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