i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
