she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
