She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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