The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
