Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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