sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
